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nuagedeauA walk down memory lane (1/11)
jaemin
PG
angst, fluff
1644 words
not betaed
Memory is a tricky thing. Love is too.
parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.
The first time
Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.
~From the television show The Wonder Years
When you think of memories, the first ones that come immediately to your mind are the First Times.
Of course in this category there are ones that you can't remember: your first cry, your first meal, your first word, your first footstep and so on.
But the first time you are sure you will remember until you die - and wish you could forever but know you can't - is the first time you felt loved. By him. And love as in romantic love.
You had noticed for a few weeks - a month maybe? - that his gazes were just a tad bit longer than before and your mind had whispered to you: If there is a before, there is an after and the event that made it change. So what was different?
You told yourself he was just being his random self or that you were a bit more sensitive at being stared - never mind the fans that did more than stare at you and that you caught him looking at you while you were sleeping. Or was it the faint remnant of chocolate on your lips that kept drawing his eyes. And why hadn't anyone told you about that? But revenge for going out and brave fangirls with a chocolate dirty face which immediately started the ChocolatexMin coupling was going to wait for a while. You were busy and didn't mind receiving all that chocolate.
The chocolate (especially this Swiss one) took your mind off of the strange gazes. Denial, distraction and inexperience were a powerful combination. So you weren't the least prepared for the outcome, it was your fault, really, for ignoring what the clues were all pointing at. But you hadn't minded being surprised this time.
You were brushing your teeth and frowning at the smudge of chocolate on your cheek when he grabbed your arm and turned you so he could look right into your eyes. The surprise - you didn't see him in the mirror - made you spit a bit of toothpaste on his shirt. Falling hard was written on it, you noted distantly, but the white stain made it seem more like Fling Hard. Noting you were staring, you lifted your gaze to look at his eyes. You couldn't for long so your eyes fell a little lower, on his mouth, which opened and closed. Twice.
You were going to say that he looked like a goldfish when he settled his lips on yours.
Soft lips against rough lips. Simple like is hands on your shoulders. But so much more at the same time. Your mind went blank for a second and then you thought about his strawberry lipstick and your toothpaste and the way your eyes had unconsciously closed.
He took a step back and you could see his eyes again. They weren't searching for yours anymore and you felt cold air on your lips. Without thinking, you touched them and the movement made his hands withdraw. The cold extended to your shoulders but you were distracted by the stain on his chest. You tried to wipe it. He was faster and linked your hands with his.
"It's because you never listen."
You wanted to contradict him - who was the one who listened when a certain someone had the urge to talk and woke him up at 3am - but you were alone in the bathroom. Confused and strangely numb.
That night, your mind wouldn't let you sleep, replaying the bathroom scene, overanalyzing anything until you were lost in the details and couldn't see the big picture. Tossing, turning and shivering because your blanket had fallen off the bed, you didn't hear the cautious steps until you felt the bed dip and a warm blanket covering you. His smell filled your nostrils and you realised that it wasn't your blanket but before you could lose yourself in your thoughts, you heard a faint whisper.
"I am sorry."
A sigh, someone standing.
"For what?"
Startled, a hand over a wildly beating heart.
"I thought you were sleeping."
"I thought I couldn't deceive you?"
"..."
"Thanks."
"What for?"
"The blanket. You shouldn't have and I have mine anyway."
"Keep it. And yours rolled under the bed and is now dirty. I wonder how you did that."
"If I tell you, will you tell me why you apologised?"
"... I am going back to sleep."
A few steps. Another sigh but not from the same person.
"But you can't sleep, can you? That's why you can give me your blanket without whining. You are lost in your world, thinking too much about something and that's why you can't find sleep and didn't notice I wasn't asleep either."
"...if you figured out all that, you can probably figure out why I am sorry."
"It was just a kiss. There wasn't even tongue involved. You don't need to be so dramatic."
"..."
"Don't be so shocked. I should be."
"It was your first kiss!"
"Only romantic girls dream about romantic first kisses."
"I am a guy!"
"So am I."
"That's the problem!"
"Is it? If I was a girl I would have slapped you for giving me a toothpaste full first kiss. That would have been more problematic."
"... you are too young!"
"I am not. If I am old enough to work, I think I am old enough to kiss."
"It's not that. And you know it."
"No, I don't. Spell it for me."
"You aren't experimented enough to know what this kind of relationship would imply. I am your Hyung. I shouldn't take advantage of you."
"You aren't."
"See. You never listen. Forget everything and go back to sleep."
"Perhaps you are right."
A breath hitching. Eyes painfully closing. A retreating movement.
"Perhaps you are right. Perhaps it's wrong because I am a guy, because I am too young, because I am inexperienced. Because you are my Hyung. Yes, perhaps running away, like you did this afternoon, perhaps denying your feelings and making yourself miserable is the right thing to do.
If you thought it was really wrong, you wouldn't have kissed me. Not like that."
"...You know. I didn't plan it. Kissing you, I mean."
"But you did. And I can't sleep because of you. Again."
"...I am sorry?"
"You know, I am supposed to be the insecure one."
"I am not insecure! Just a little, a little..."
"Yeah. I know, I know. Now come here. I am cold and tired because of you. You owe me."
"And to say you were so cute in the Hug days..."
A snort.
"And you so mysterious and cold. You are more random than anything else. Or like a puppy who..."
"Hey!"
"You didn't even know what I was going to say."
"I know you and that ‘s enough for me."
"What?! You don't love your cute and adorable Min..."
"I.."
And there. You had to go and jump right in the middle of the puddle of angst, splashing it with your two feet. You sighed, running a hand over your face. This conversation wasn't going anywhere and you didn't know what to do anymore. You needed more time to think but you knew that if you didn't hear what this was all about from him now, it would be near impossible later. Furthermore the coldness was back and this time was freezing your chest making it difficult to breathe. And think. Your brain wasn't up to a challenging word exchange - your blunder was a blatant proof of that. Only a solution presented itself to your mind.
"I liked it."
"...what?"
"The kiss. Even with the toothpaste."
"Min..."
"And I felt cold. When you went away. And confused. So I began to think some more. I don't think I understand everything but... but. But you are the first person who has ever made me feel so warm and thus you are the first too who has ever made me feel so cold. To tell the truth, even with this blanket I feel cold. You are special. I think... I think..."
"Oh! Min! I am sorry!"
"Not again. Stop being sorry. Or be sorry for being stupid at least, Hyung."
"Hey! I am not... Are you crying?"
"Am not."
A sniffing was heard.
"You are."
"And you are... the most... random and insecure and... stupid Hyung... I have."
In reality it was you who felt stupid and insecure. And lost and a bit scared too. Even if there wasn't any reason for that because you felt him move closer and two arms were circling you from behind and you finally let yourself cry, tears falling freely on your pillow. He tightened his hold on you and you relaxed yourself in his embrace. He kissed you softly on the back of your neck, making soothing sounds.
"Changmin."
You tensed a bit but one of his hands started to stroke lightly your hair and his warmness made you feel so full that you couldn't bring yourself to worry. You could only think about how much you wished you could stay like this forever. But you knew it was impossible and you felt him breathe deeply.
"First I am sorry. For being an idiot. For making you suffer... cry."
His voice was gentle and you felt your eyelids becoming heavy.
"But. Minnie. I am not sorry for kissing you."
Your eyes were closing.
"…You are special to me too."
You smiled and the beating of his heart lulled you into a restful sleep.
Author Notes: It's short. It was difficult to write, my english being what it is. First time trying the second person too. It's not exactly what I wanted but it's close enough. Don't hesitate to correct me. And I will try to make this fic a chaptered one because I have this plot in my mind. We will see. (And I think I have a thing for memories, chocolate and night discussions...)
jaemin
PG
angst, fluff
1644 words
not betaed
Memory is a tricky thing. Love is too.
parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.
The first time
Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.
~From the television show The Wonder Years
When you think of memories, the first ones that come immediately to your mind are the First Times.
Of course in this category there are ones that you can't remember: your first cry, your first meal, your first word, your first footstep and so on.
But the first time you are sure you will remember until you die - and wish you could forever but know you can't - is the first time you felt loved. By him. And love as in romantic love.
You had noticed for a few weeks - a month maybe? - that his gazes were just a tad bit longer than before and your mind had whispered to you: If there is a before, there is an after and the event that made it change. So what was different?
You told yourself he was just being his random self or that you were a bit more sensitive at being stared - never mind the fans that did more than stare at you and that you caught him looking at you while you were sleeping. Or was it the faint remnant of chocolate on your lips that kept drawing his eyes. And why hadn't anyone told you about that? But revenge for going out and brave fangirls with a chocolate dirty face which immediately started the ChocolatexMin coupling was going to wait for a while. You were busy and didn't mind receiving all that chocolate.
The chocolate (especially this Swiss one) took your mind off of the strange gazes. Denial, distraction and inexperience were a powerful combination. So you weren't the least prepared for the outcome, it was your fault, really, for ignoring what the clues were all pointing at. But you hadn't minded being surprised this time.
You were brushing your teeth and frowning at the smudge of chocolate on your cheek when he grabbed your arm and turned you so he could look right into your eyes. The surprise - you didn't see him in the mirror - made you spit a bit of toothpaste on his shirt. Falling hard was written on it, you noted distantly, but the white stain made it seem more like Fling Hard. Noting you were staring, you lifted your gaze to look at his eyes. You couldn't for long so your eyes fell a little lower, on his mouth, which opened and closed. Twice.
You were going to say that he looked like a goldfish when he settled his lips on yours.
Soft lips against rough lips. Simple like is hands on your shoulders. But so much more at the same time. Your mind went blank for a second and then you thought about his strawberry lipstick and your toothpaste and the way your eyes had unconsciously closed.
He took a step back and you could see his eyes again. They weren't searching for yours anymore and you felt cold air on your lips. Without thinking, you touched them and the movement made his hands withdraw. The cold extended to your shoulders but you were distracted by the stain on his chest. You tried to wipe it. He was faster and linked your hands with his.
"It's because you never listen."
You wanted to contradict him - who was the one who listened when a certain someone had the urge to talk and woke him up at 3am - but you were alone in the bathroom. Confused and strangely numb.
That night, your mind wouldn't let you sleep, replaying the bathroom scene, overanalyzing anything until you were lost in the details and couldn't see the big picture. Tossing, turning and shivering because your blanket had fallen off the bed, you didn't hear the cautious steps until you felt the bed dip and a warm blanket covering you. His smell filled your nostrils and you realised that it wasn't your blanket but before you could lose yourself in your thoughts, you heard a faint whisper.
"I am sorry."
A sigh, someone standing.
"For what?"
Startled, a hand over a wildly beating heart.
"I thought you were sleeping."
"I thought I couldn't deceive you?"
"..."
"Thanks."
"What for?"
"The blanket. You shouldn't have and I have mine anyway."
"Keep it. And yours rolled under the bed and is now dirty. I wonder how you did that."
"If I tell you, will you tell me why you apologised?"
"... I am going back to sleep."
A few steps. Another sigh but not from the same person.
"But you can't sleep, can you? That's why you can give me your blanket without whining. You are lost in your world, thinking too much about something and that's why you can't find sleep and didn't notice I wasn't asleep either."
"...if you figured out all that, you can probably figure out why I am sorry."
"It was just a kiss. There wasn't even tongue involved. You don't need to be so dramatic."
"..."
"Don't be so shocked. I should be."
"It was your first kiss!"
"Only romantic girls dream about romantic first kisses."
"I am a guy!"
"So am I."
"That's the problem!"
"Is it? If I was a girl I would have slapped you for giving me a toothpaste full first kiss. That would have been more problematic."
"... you are too young!"
"I am not. If I am old enough to work, I think I am old enough to kiss."
"It's not that. And you know it."
"No, I don't. Spell it for me."
"You aren't experimented enough to know what this kind of relationship would imply. I am your Hyung. I shouldn't take advantage of you."
"You aren't."
"See. You never listen. Forget everything and go back to sleep."
"Perhaps you are right."
A breath hitching. Eyes painfully closing. A retreating movement.
"Perhaps you are right. Perhaps it's wrong because I am a guy, because I am too young, because I am inexperienced. Because you are my Hyung. Yes, perhaps running away, like you did this afternoon, perhaps denying your feelings and making yourself miserable is the right thing to do.
If you thought it was really wrong, you wouldn't have kissed me. Not like that."
"...You know. I didn't plan it. Kissing you, I mean."
"But you did. And I can't sleep because of you. Again."
"...I am sorry?"
"You know, I am supposed to be the insecure one."
"I am not insecure! Just a little, a little..."
"Yeah. I know, I know. Now come here. I am cold and tired because of you. You owe me."
"And to say you were so cute in the Hug days..."
A snort.
"And you so mysterious and cold. You are more random than anything else. Or like a puppy who..."
"Hey!"
"You didn't even know what I was going to say."
"I know you and that ‘s enough for me."
"What?! You don't love your cute and adorable Min..."
"I.."
And there. You had to go and jump right in the middle of the puddle of angst, splashing it with your two feet. You sighed, running a hand over your face. This conversation wasn't going anywhere and you didn't know what to do anymore. You needed more time to think but you knew that if you didn't hear what this was all about from him now, it would be near impossible later. Furthermore the coldness was back and this time was freezing your chest making it difficult to breathe. And think. Your brain wasn't up to a challenging word exchange - your blunder was a blatant proof of that. Only a solution presented itself to your mind.
"I liked it."
"...what?"
"The kiss. Even with the toothpaste."
"Min..."
"And I felt cold. When you went away. And confused. So I began to think some more. I don't think I understand everything but... but. But you are the first person who has ever made me feel so warm and thus you are the first too who has ever made me feel so cold. To tell the truth, even with this blanket I feel cold. You are special. I think... I think..."
"Oh! Min! I am sorry!"
"Not again. Stop being sorry. Or be sorry for being stupid at least, Hyung."
"Hey! I am not... Are you crying?"
"Am not."
A sniffing was heard.
"You are."
"And you are... the most... random and insecure and... stupid Hyung... I have."
In reality it was you who felt stupid and insecure. And lost and a bit scared too. Even if there wasn't any reason for that because you felt him move closer and two arms were circling you from behind and you finally let yourself cry, tears falling freely on your pillow. He tightened his hold on you and you relaxed yourself in his embrace. He kissed you softly on the back of your neck, making soothing sounds.
"Changmin."
You tensed a bit but one of his hands started to stroke lightly your hair and his warmness made you feel so full that you couldn't bring yourself to worry. You could only think about how much you wished you could stay like this forever. But you knew it was impossible and you felt him breathe deeply.
"First I am sorry. For being an idiot. For making you suffer... cry."
His voice was gentle and you felt your eyelids becoming heavy.
"But. Minnie. I am not sorry for kissing you."
Your eyes were closing.
"…You are special to me too."
You smiled and the beating of his heart lulled you into a restful sleep.
Author Notes: It's short. It was difficult to write, my english being what it is. First time trying the second person too. It's not exactly what I wanted but it's close enough. Don't hesitate to correct me. And I will try to make this fic a chaptered one because I have this plot in my mind. We will see. (And I think I have a thing for memories, chocolate and night discussions...)
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