ext_25499: aoi yuu (~arashi)
[identity profile] evangellie.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] nuagedeau
On the Back of a Couch (3/4)

part 1 - part 2

Changmin is standing dumbly in front of the door. He looks at his watch. 9.33pm. He is half an hour early, which is why Jun is not yet home. At least he hopes that’s why.

He waits for a few minutes but decides to leave and come back later. It would be rather awkward if a neighbor caught him there.

He pinches his lips as he waits for the elevator and his heart nearly jumps out of his chest when the doors open to reveal Jun.

Jun is wearing sunglasses but Changmin guesses he is startled to see him there by the way his eyebrows lift slightly. Changmin steps aside to let Jun exit the elevator.

‘You’re early,’ Jun says but doesn’t wait for an answer and Changmin follows him.

Everything seems the same as Changmin enters and takes his shoes off, pads inside towards the couch and leaves his jacket on the back of it. Except Changmin knows it’s not true and he doesn’t know what to do to dispel the awkwardness that has settled in. He doesn’t follow Jun as he disappears into the kitchen but doesn’t sit down either until Jun comes back holding a bottle of wine and two glasses.

‘I’m going to take a shower and change. Just… watch tv or something.’

Changmin nods but once Jun is gone he stands up and look around the room. He has never paid much attention to the place —too busy staring at Jun’s lips, he guesses.

There is not much stuff but everything seems to have its proper place. All the furniture is modern but Changmin restrain himself from chuckling at some pieces that borders the realm of tasteless.

He hears the shower getting turned on. It reminds him why he is here and his grin falls away. He licks his lips. He wants to join Jun but knows that he has already pushed his luck by, well, being a jerk and then arriving early. It’s best that Jun sets the pace.

Changmin looks around some more until he crouches down next to the tv where there is a shelf full of dvds. There are dvds from Michael Jackson’s concerts and other artists but unsurprisingly, the first row is dedicated to Arashi: concerts, films, dramas and dvds that look like recordings from various tv stations. Variety stuff, probably, and he picks their latest concert up. Beautiful World, it says on the cover.

He has never watched anything from them except for the odd performances and variety show. He pops it into the dvd player, turns on the tv and presses play.

Jun is gorgeous under the rain, shouting the introduction, but his face and the smoke from the fireworks are not enough to distract Changmin from the awfully shiny gold and red —are those feathers? what are those strings of fabric even supposed to be?— outfits. He pauses the dvd to better look at the monstrosities —there’s some silver rhinestones too— and thanks the gods to have the stylists they have.

He presses play again and sits on the floor, close to the screen. He is curious to know if all the outfits are going to be this cringe-worthy; but really he can only admire Jun’s confidence, if it were him, he would be hiding behind Yunho the whole time.

Then there is a close-up shot of Jun’s face and Changmin pauses to look at the genuinely happy expression he is sporting. He follows the curve of his smile with his fingertips, not caring if he is leaving traces on the screen, when he suddenly realizes he has never seen this bright smile on Jun’s face before. Jun looks so boyish and young and it startles him when he realizes that he wants that smile to be directed to him.

Jun clears his throat. Changmin snatches his fingers back, nearly knocking down the expensive-looking tv in the process, and feels his face warm up. He is unable to turn around to look at Jun.

‘I… I was looking at your concert.’

Jun chuckles and it seems his mood has lightened up and it’s maybe because of the shower, or maybe because Changmin is making a fool out of himself but if Changmin had to guess, he would pick the latter. It doesn’t really matter; he is just relieved that the awkwardness is gone.

It doesn’t mean he isn’t embarrassed though.

‘I can see that.’

Changmin wants the earth to swallow him whole but then Jun is coming towards and he feels his heart beat painfully with each step that Jun takes.

Changmin is still sitting on the floor, his back to Jun, when he feels Jun’s hands slowly slide down his shoulders to hold him into a loose hug, as he kneels down behind him, and rest his chin on Changmin’s shoulder

He is still wet and droplets are running down Changmin’s nape into his shirt and Changmin shivers. Jun drops a kiss on his neck and Changmin turns around to slide his tongue inside Jun’s warm mouth to meet Jun’s.

He is pleased to see that Jun is only wearing a bathrobe. It is easy to slide a hand inside, against Jun’s chest, and reach for a nipple and caress it softly. He has to stop when Jun makes him lift his arms to slide his own shirt off but once it falls on the floor Jun’s lips are on Changmin’s and he pushes Changmin to the floor, straddling him. Changmin’s hands are on his chest but not for long as Jun grabs his hands and shoves them against the floor, framing Changmin’s head. He breaks the kiss with one last lick to Changmin’s lips.

‘If you pull that off again I swear I’m never letting you touch me again. Ever.’

Jun’s eyes are angry and Changmin probably deserves it but he really wants to touch him right now and so he nods at the same time that he struggles against Jun’s hands. Jun’s gaze softens and his grip finally loosens. Changmin lift his hands to brush the droplets of water off Jun’s face and his hands tangles in the wet hair to pull him down in a near kiss.

‘If you want, you can…’ Changmin breathes against Jun’s lips.

Jun presses a kiss before answering. ‘I can what?’

Changmin thrusts against him and Jun lifts an eyebrow. Changmin looks away because damn it he is not going to say it.

‘You know. Don’t make me say it.’ He nearly shoves Jun off but Jun is pressing kisses on his jaw so he lets the teasing go. ‘Only if you want though.’

‘Oh of course I want but…’

Jun is too nice with him and Changmin doesn’t want that he wants rough and nasty and not smiling, because he doesn’t deserve nice right now.

He sits up, Jun on his lap, and tries to lift him as he stands up but he nearly topples over before Jun puts his feet on the ground and helps him stand. He laughs at him so Changmin kisses him to shut him up and guides him backwards towards the bedroom. The bathrobe falls somewhere along the way as do Changmin’s trousers and boxers.

Jun nearly falls when the back of his legs hit the edge of the bed but Changmin steadies him and he manages to sit down. He looks up at him.

‘Do you still want to?’


Changmin sits down next to Jun, brushing against his shoulder, but then Jun crawls on the bed, and Changmin follows him. He holds his waist from behind as Jun reaches for lubricant and a condom.

‘Do you want to stretch yourself or should I…’

‘Ah. Just do it.’

He lets go of Jun.

‘This is embarrassing.’ He mumbles but Jun doesn’t hear him and he buries his head into the pillow as he lies on his stomach.

Jun slides a pillow beneath his hips. His finger is slick and cold as the tip enters Changmin and it’s not the nicest feeling ever but Jun is really gentle and slow about it. Changmin finds himself blushing and whimpers in the pillow.

‘Am I hurting you?’

Changmin thinks that Jun is just not capable of hurting him so he pushes back against the finger and then it does hurt but that’s ok.

‘No, it doesn’t just.. the second finger…’

Jun doesn’t comply with his request immediately —maybe he reads him better than he thinks— and moves his first finger a bit more before inserting the second, still slowly and full of care. This time Changmin doesn’t push back against it because he feels stretched and it’s uncomfortable and he really wonders why people do this kind of stuff, really.


And Changmin is trying really, but yeah, there are two fingers in a place he thought no one would ever touch. Jun stops moving his fingers and slowly caresses his backside and brushes a kiss against one of his cheeks and Changmin relaxes a bit at the soothing gestures.

‘This didn’t take so long when you did it.’

‘That’s because I am used to it.’

This feels like a slap, reminding him that Jun is not his, and that he will never be, that he probably has sex with other people like he has.

Finally Jun takes his fingers out, and Changmin waits in anticipation as Jun puts on a condom and leans down again, his body covering Changmin’s. Changmin feels Jun’s erection brushing against his ass and tenses a bit.

‘We can still stop. We can stop at any time. Just tell me.’

But Jun is breathless and it’s obvious that he wants it and Changmin doesn’t want nice so he pushes his hips back against Jun’s and Jun exhales against his back.

He parts his cheeks and Changmin feels the tip pressed at his entrance. Jun is kissing his shoulder and one of his hands grasps Changmin’s hand while he balances himself with the other.

When the pressure grows and Jun’s entering inch by inch, Changmin stops breathing and moves his hand to his mouth to bite on it.

Jun doesn’t stop until he is fully in and Changmin can feel Jun’s balls against him. Then thankfully Jun stills but Changmin can’t only breathe small gasps at a time and he feels so full that he is probably crushing Jun’s hand.

Jun’s kissing his neck because he can’t reach his mouth and it’s soft, feather-like, but Changmin still doesn’t relax and Jun sighs.

‘Maybe we should stop.’

Changmin can feel him trembling while he tries to stay still. Changmin remembers how tight and hot it feels and how he probably just wants to fuck Changmin hard and fast and that’s enough to turn him on and slowly relax.


And damnit if he is going to let Jun run away. People get hurt and it can be uncomfortable sometimes but they are doing this. He pushes his hips back and Jun moans at the friction and that didn’t feel so bad so Changmin does it again until Jun’s hips are following his and Jun is thrusting, shallowly, but still thrusting inside him.

The sound of their bodies moving against each seems obscene and hot at the same time —or is it hot because it’s obscene, not that Changmin cares at this point because the weight of Jun’s body moving on top of him feels awfully good.

Maybe Jun’s control is slipping because his next thrust has more force and it’s kind of painful but good at the same time since Jun’s losing control because of him.

Jun nearly stops when he hears Changmin’s small cry of pain but Changmin just pushes back against him and moans. It’s a bit more enthusiastic than he really feels but Jun needs reassurance.

‘Fuck me, come on.’

His voice is hoarse and it comes out as a whisper and it does the trick because Jun grunts and his thrusts are wider and faster.

He pulls Changmin to his knees, releasing his hand so Changmin can lean on it. It changes the angle and this time Changmin cries in pleasure because Jun just stroked a spot that feels just so good.

Then Jun’s hand is on his cock, stroking, while his other hand his grasping Changmin’s hip tightly. He nibbles Changmin’s ear but suddenly stops his biting during a particularly long deep thrust and it’s the first time Changmin hears him swear.

It’s hot and Changmin kind of want to kiss him but it’s not really possible and it doesn’t really matters when Jun’s hand is on his cock and he hits that spot again and presses open-mouthed kisses on his neck. Changmin comes, his arms giving in.

He crumbles on the bed and Jun follows, falling on top of him, but Jun’ hips don’t stop moving. And then Jun tenses and comes too, deep inside, and Changmin clenches around him.

He is quick to pull out so Changmin turns around, Jun now lying between his legs, and their lips come together in a warm kiss.

Changmin is feeling emotions he probably shouldn’t as Jun smiles at him, the corner of his eyes wrinkling as he nuzzles their noses together but he is warm and content. He reveals in the feeling of the skin against skin and breathes in Jun’s scent. It smells strongly of shampoo, he has just showered after all, though there is also hint of sweat that betrays their recent activity.

It’s when he eases completely that he remembers Yunho and how this is a bad idea. His hold on Jun tightens.

‘Changmin?’ Jun looks at him worriedly. Maybe wondering if he has hurt him, Changmin thinks.

‘I’m ok.’

‘That’s good then.’

Jun tries to pull away but Changmin’s hold tightens even more. ‘It’s sticky,’ Jun complains.

‘Who cares.’

‘I care. Let me go.’

Changmin doesn’t, looking at him defiantly, but he should have known that Jun would take up the challenge. Jun grins and starts tickling Changmin. This is highly effective and Changmin lets go immediately.

‘That’s not fair’

Jun chuckles as he gets out of bed. ‘The world isn’t fair.’

It’s meant as light banter but thinking of their situation, Changmin feels his stomach twists.

Jun throws the condom away and grabs a towel to wipe himself. He means to get back into bed but Changmin gets up.


Changmin steals a kiss and the towel. ‘I can’t stay. Yunho…’

Jun looks away. ‘Ok.’

But he sounds everything but ok. Changmin can’t apologize though and it’s better if Jun gets annoyed at him so he leaves picking up his clothes along way. Jun doesn’t stop him.

He is lifting his jacket from the couch when his gaze falls on the tv. They forgot to turn it off and Jun is still smiling on the screen.

Impulsively, he strides over the dvd player and takes the disk that he carefully puts back into its case before he leaves, clutching it against his chest.


They are back in their old routine except that Changmin is much more careful in his lies and never stays the night. So far Yunho hasn’t suspected anything but Changmin knows he is scared of being discovered, of it slowly becoming something he won’t be able to give up if he has to, which is why he leaves quickly after they are done.

It’s better to see Jun’s irritated expression than admit he much rather see his bright smile and somehow Changmin is becoming more and more aggressive, leaving marks and hickeys on Jun’s neck and bruises on his hips. He leads Jun into being rougher when Jun is fucking him, which is happening a lot more frequently. There are less kisses and more bites until one day Jun snaps and pins him down on the bed.

Changmin struggles but it seems he is more tired than he though so he is unable to jerk Jun off of him. Jun presses their lips together, softly, like they haven’t in a while, and moves to his cheek and then to his ear kissing along the way.

Changmin feels his chest tighten and manages to throw Jun off of him but he pushes too strongly this time and Jun is distracted and falls from the bed. Changmin freezes as Jun gets up but he is going to apologize and—

‘Save it. I don’t want to hear it. This is crazy. Just…’ Jun breathes deeply, closing his eyes. ‘I’m fine with being rough from time to time, it’s hot, but this is more than that and I don’t like it.’

He stares right at him. ‘I’m not going to help you hurt yourself anymore so don’t come back until you’ve sorted your mess.’

Changmin is going to protest but his phone is ringing from the living room and it is Yunho’s ringtone so he has got to take it to avoid trouble. He glances back at Jun but Jun is avoiding his gaze as he sits down on the bed, his back to Changmin.

‘This is not—’

‘Just go Changmin.’

Jun sounds tired and Changmin doesn’t really know what he was going to say anyway. His phone starts ringing again so he goes.

He calls Yunho back once he is on the street.

‘Where are you?’

Yunho sounds nervous and that’s never good.

‘I’m on my way home, just trying to get a taxi.’ And it’s the truth, sort of.

‘Good, good. Ok. Just… come back.’

‘Is everything alright?’

Yunho stays silent for a few seconds but his actual answer is not much better.

‘Mmm… Let’s talk when you come back.’

He hangs up before Changmin has the time to ask anything else.

The whole ride back Changmin can’t stop thinking that maybe Yunho knows, or worst, someone else knows. Then he stops himself because Yunho would have been furious instead of just nervous, but that doesn’t really help him calm down either so he focuses on the landscape that unfolds behind the window.


There is a tabloid waiting for him on top of the coffee table and Changmin’s heart stops. He glances at Yunho but he doesn’t look furious; his manager, however, looks like he is trying to dig a grave from the way he walks up and down while he shouts on the phone. He stops walking when his gaze falls on Changmin and Changmin has the impression that if there had truly been a grave, their manager would have thrown him in it.

‘What’s wrong?’

Yunho gestures towards the tabloid while their manager tries to contain his anger. The way his shouting grows louder and his fingers clenches at the phone, he is doing a poor job at it.

Changmin takes the tabloid. It’s already opened at the relevant page and he is sort of relieved —though he knows he shouldn’t— to see it is a picture of him and the woman with a mole at the tip of her nose, not that the mole can be seen in the picture.

It’s taken from quite a distance and thus a bit hazy. He only recognizes himself because of the clothes and his, admittedly large, ears. Thankfully, it wasn’t taken in front of the hotel but in front of the bar, when he had helped her get into the taxi.

He quickly scans the article but it’s not too telling; it only mentions seeing him with an unidentified but beautiful lady going out of a bar and getting together into a taxi. It’s hinting that they probably went to a hotel, which is true but they don’t have proof, and that they probably have a relationship, which makes Changmin wants to laugh.

Their manager finally hangs up as Changmin puts the tabloid back on the table.

‘So who is this lady?’

‘Someone I met at a bar.’

Their manager scoffs. ‘I meant a name and possibly a number to contact her.’

‘I don’t know her name nor any means of contacting her.’

Their manager looks surprised. He probably doesn’t know what to think. Changmin isn’t the type to have one-night stands or to forget names but then Changmin doesn’t remember ever exchanging names with her.

‘You mean that you only shared a taxi with her, which is why you don’t know anything about her?’

‘Well, no. I did go to a hotel with her.’

‘And had sex?’


Yunho coughs to hide his surprise and their manager is definitively having some kind of seizure but he still presses on, as if he didn’t believe his ears.

‘So you mean that you had sex with a random woman, don’t know her name nor her number, and haven’t seen her again since?’

‘That’s about it, yes.’

‘Tell me you at least used a condom.’

‘Hyung!’ Changmin is starting to feel a bit annoyed. After all, he has done nothing wrong —that they know of— and the article isn’t really incriminating.

‘Oh god.’

His manager falls on the couch, a hand holding his head. He mutters something that sounds a lot like why me and he looked like such a nice boy and easy to manage but no before he looks back at Changmin.

‘Is this going to be a regular thing? Should I start planning on being full time in scandal management?’

Yunho stays silent but his gaze is as inquisitive as their manager’s. Changmin shifts uncomfortably.

‘Well, I don’t think so. It was just a one-time thing.’

‘Why did you?’ asks Yunho and this is mean because he probably knows why. He glares at Yunho.

‘I was thinking of my ex and felt lonely. It won’t happen again.’

Their manager gets up.

‘I don’t mind if it happens again,’ he says, and when he sees Changmin’s look of surprise, he adds: ‘As long as you are smart enough not to get caught by anyone.’

Changmin is counting on it but he doesn’t know how long he can do it. Not that it is an issue right now since Jun will remain cold until the situation changes and Changmin can’t change it.

‘Well, I have to go to do some damage control. We’re lucky they don’t have better pictures.’

‘What’s the story?’

‘That you only shared a taxi with her since you were going in the same direction. You helped her because you were worried something would happen to her in her state of drunkenness. But anyway, simply don’t comment. Yeah?’

Changmin nods.

‘One more thing before I leave. Management wants you not to go anywhere else but work and home for a month. Basically, you can’t go out until this is forgotten.’

Changmin knows he can’t protest so he nods again. Satisfied, their manager leaves. Changmin takes the tabloid and throws it into the bin.

‘Not going to keep your first scandal?’

Changmin looks back at Yunho but can’t read him; the lightness of his tone is in opposition to the seriousness of his expression.

‘Why would I do that?’

‘As a reminder.’

Oh. That. And it pricks at him but he doesn’t want Yunho to have the last word.

‘It’s not necessary.’

Yunho doesn’t look convinced and Changmin thinks that maybe his lies haven’t been good enough and Yunho knows. Yunho walks up to him and puts a hand on his shoulder.

‘Well, at least your scandal is with a woman.’

And not Jun, Changmin adds silently, clenching his teeth.

The sharpness of Yunho’s words contrasts with the concern Changmin detects in his tone and his eyes. He means well, Changmin knows. He knows and yet he still really wants to punch him in the face.

‘Anyway, don’t worry. People are quick to forget.’

But Changmin knows that’s not quite true; they are quick to forget whenever they find something new and better, and it better not be him and Jun.

‘I’ll be in my room if you need me.’

Yunho gives his shoulder a squeeze and leaves him alone. Changmin falls on the couch, exhausted. He rubs his eyes and sighs. The more he thinks about it, less and less options retain any appeal until there doesn’t seem to be any good one left. He is truly at loss, this time.


It’s been a week and Changmin feels miserable and decides that today he is not going to leave his bed.

He hasn’t been able to communicate with Jun. Well, it would be more correct to say that he hasn’t had the guts nor the words to do it even though he has spent many times writing and erasing messages. All of them seemed pointless in the end because he can’t apologize nor can he promise anything since, in all honesty, he hasn’t been able to come up with a solution. Also Changmin feels guilty about the scandal. He knows they are not exclusive or anything but this knowledge doesn’t erase the guilt.

He sighs and covers his face with a pillow.

The fact that he is not allowed to go out —not that he wants to, but he likes being given the choice— only worsens his mood.

If he weren’t so damn annoyed, he would admit that at least Yunho had been extra nice all week, ordering all his favorite food for him and cutting him some slack during dance rehearsals, which is something that happens… hardly ever. But he is so damn annoyed and doesn’t look forward to seeing Yunho on his free day, or anyone for that matter.

Which is why he is lying on his bed, looking at the ceiling, trying to think of how to waste time. He has gone all week to the gym but today is Sunday and he really doesn’t feel like running on a treadmill. He glances at his guitar but his fingers still hurt from yesterday and, though he is restless, he is feeling rather lazy too.

He sits up and lifts his arms up, trying to stretch his back, when his gaze falls on the dvd that he stole from Jun. And then forgot.

He sighs. This isn’t a good idea at all. It’s not going to improve his mood or make him forget his problems at all but he doesn’t think he can feel much worse and has nothing better to do than mop all day so why not.

He fluffs some pillows, turns his laptop on and puts it on his lap as he lies down in bed again, comfortably propped by the newly-fluffed pillows. There is no email worth reading, i.e. no news from his family, Kyuhyun nor Jun, so he pops the dvd in.

This time he is prepared for the ridiculous outfits so he concentrates better on the performance itself. Or Jun. Whichever. Jun’s singing is definitively not the best —too nasal— but it’s still his voice that he likes most.

He forces himself not to pause on Jun’s happy face and maybe watching this wasn’t such a good idea.

18 minutes later he is still watching because, he reasons, this is morbid curiosity. It’s like watching a train-wreck. They are wearing what Changmin can only call curtains but not really since at least curtains have a defined shape and a purpose. The letting-go of lots of colorful balloons in the blue sky is awfully pretty though and almost makes up for the costume disaster.

He has to skip Love Rainbow and it has nothing to do with the lyrics —I just want to be with you tomorrow and forever after— and everything to do with the melody being annoying to his ears.

It’s worth it because Jun is cutely wiping the rain from the camera during the next song and then they are wearing decent clothes —that had been until there hidden by the curtain monstrosity— consisting of comparatively simple white outfits and rainbowy scarfs. He relaxes a bit at the beat of the catchy songs.

Big mistake.

Next is Jun’s solo and what is this… he needs to sit up. And new glasses. He skips back to watch the beginning of the solo again. Jun is wearing a sort of shirt where only one button is actually buttoned up but it’s not the expected last one —too mainstream, Changmin supposes— but the first one that is properly done, thus leaving the lower part of his chest and his stomach exposed, emphasizing the narrowness of his waist.

That alone would have been ok, weird yes and strangely sexy somehow, but still ok. No, it’s its combination with the movements performed by Jun’s hips —the song is called Shake it so all the shaking does make sense— that further stresses the narrowness of his waist and makes Jun appear rather fragile instead of sexy.

Changmin shifts as his heart tightens and it’s really only this apparent fragility that makes him uncomfortable —but Jun doesn’t need anyone’s protection anyway, much less his— because then Jun walks like he owns the stage, sexy as hell.

He wonders why Jun tries so hard when he can be so entrancing when doing nothing but breathing (on his neck) or standing (while he slides his shirt off) or walking (backwards until they both topple in the bed).

The earnestness is kind of endearing though, like the way he sometimes treats Changmin as if he were going to break but Changmin doesn’t need anyone’s protection either and he is annoyed by the accusation that he is using Jun to hurt himself. This is the silliest excuse he has heard when refusing to see someone.

And then on the screen Jun opens his shirt completely and runs his hand through his hair and Changmin forgets to think.

He replays it at least 5 more times before he ends this self-imposed torture and puts the dvd away, underneath a pile of books.

His phone vibrates and it’s Yunho, saying he won’t be home until late tonight. He is probably networking. Changmin has never liked that term. It sounds cold and impersonal, working to get the much needed connections. It’s essential but it doesn’t mean Changmin has to like it; it feels too much like selling oneself, which is ironic considering that a job’s idol is precisely that.

ok. sd I wait for you for supper?

no. supper with producer but thx.

He could treat himself to a super spicy ramen then. That would cheer him up. He stops himself from putting the phone back down as his gaze falls on one of Jun’s old messages. He knows he is supposed to erase, what with not leaving incriminating evidence around, but he always likes having at least one to carry around.

And this is so silly so he types Jun a message.

watched your concert solo. 6 times.

He presses his lips together, hesitates a bit, and presses send. The response doesn’t take long to come and Changmin nearly drops the phone.

liked what you saw?

Changmin licks his lips.

6 times…

The response takes a bit longer to come and Changmin can’t help pacing up and down his room.

saw the article. is it true?

Changmin wants to call to explain himself properly but if Jun had wanted to listen to him he would have called by now and Changmin doesn’t want to push his luck.

yes and no. was only one-night stand.

Changmin hesitates to add that it was when he had broken things between them but he doesn’t need to explain himself, does he? when they aren’t really in a relationship.

ok. you thought about what i said last time?

This is why Changmin hadn’t written before today. He has thought a lot about it but there’s nothing much he can say and he is still annoyed by Jun’s insinuations.

i don’t need you to take my decisions for me.

It’s probably not the right thing to say but it’s not the worse either.

no but i can decide not to take part in your bad decisions or whatever they are.

It hurts more than the supposedly ‘bad decisions’ and Changmin wants to shout at Jun in frustration.

your choice then.

And as he types the then, he can’t shake off the finality of it.

it’s yours.

‘No, it’s not,’ Changmin whispers and he really wants to hurl his phone against the wall. He settles with throwing it on the bed and then throwing all the pillows to the floor.

He feels a bit better but his frustration is still there and he can’t stop the unease from growing.

His phone vibrates again. Changmin is not sure he wants to reach for it but he does because he will have to, sooner or later.

It’s Satoshi Tsumabuki.

Are you ok? I ran into Yunho-san and asked about you. He said you were sick?

Changmin is not in the mood for small talk but he needs a distraction.

he is exaggerating but i’m bored. entertain me.

Do you want to hang out later?

Changmin is disappointed at the answer.

i can’t go out though.

I meant: do you want me to come over? Later on this afternoon as I have a meeting to go to first. Maybe 6pm?

Changmin hesitates. He does need to talk to someone. He can’t really ask for any advice to Yunho anymore. Kyuhyun would totally spill the beans to Yunho because he would worry needlessly. Anyway he isn’t sure he wants to tell him about being with a man; and he would need to since he is unable to lie to him. Kyuhyun always sees right through him. But he can lie to Satoshi-san and ask for advice by telling it’s a friend of his because even if it’s risky he wouldn’t suspect Changmin since he’s just had a scandal with a woman, right?

ok. you have my address?

To pass the time, he does some cleaning, the kitchen mostly because Yunho is messy and busy and can’t be bothered to clean when he has free time. Also Yunho doesn’t mind the mess and while he normally makes an effort for Changmin’s sake, Changmin guesses the current clutter is a symptom of Yunho’s passive-aggressiveness and that Yunho is actually annoyed at him because of the scandal.

Changmin doesn’t mind cleaning; it helps him not to think. Once he is done with the kitchen —there are enough beers if Satoshi-san wants to drink— , he reorders their dvd collection, then their cds, and finally decides to take out the ironing board for a session of clothes tidying.

He works the wrinkles out of his t-shirts and shirts while he watches the rerun of a drama full of family values. It’s full of you-can-do-it! and do-your-best! feelings with a dash of your-family-and-friends-are-the-most-important-thing-in-the-world-so-you-better-do-everything-and-anything-for-them
Changmin wants to throw the iron at the screen when the impossible but inevitable ‘happy ending’ happens but Yunho would never let it go so he settles for clenching his teeth. Why the hero has to give up his ambitions for the sake of his family? So he can make himself miserable and resent his family for it?

He changes the channel —it’s about cooking— and he has thankfully finished ironing, down to his pajamas, and puts away everything, carefully folding his clothes in the pantry.

There’s only half an hour left before it’s 6pm so he takes a shower and changes into a t-shirt and some jeans. He is on the couch channel surfing when Tsumabuki finally rings the doorbell at 6.45pm.

Changmin lets him in. He can feel the alcohol in his breath but Satoshi-san is polite and nice as he sits on couch next to Changmin and apologizes for being late and not bringing anything.

‘How was your day?’ Changmin asks after he has assured he doesn’t mind that Satoshi-san has arrived late or hasn’t brought anything.

Satoshi begins telling how is day has been going wrong to worse since he woke up late.

‘I was surprised to run into Yunho. But you don’t really look like you’re sick.’

Right. Changmin had forgotten about Yunho’s lie.

‘Well, I’m feeling much better.’

Satoshi laughs. ‘Is this about the scandal?’

Satoshi is smirking at him and Changmin can’t detect any bad intention so he relaxes.

‘I’m not really allowed to go out.’

‘Kind of like being under house-arrest,’ Satoshi says before laughing. It’s infectious so Changmin laughs along.

‘I hope me coming here is not breaking any rules.’ Satoshi continues after catching his breath.

Changmin scoffs and gets up. ‘Do you want some beer?’

Satoshi nods so he goes to fetch some that he puts in front of them, on the table. Changmin drinks a gulp or two, trying to find a way to broach the subject he wants to talk about.

They talk a bit more while drinking and Changmin decides that there is no good way of doing so he just has to do it.

‘Can is ask you for some advice? It’s for a friend.’

‘For a friend?’

Changmin knows Satoshi is already suspicious but he really wants to talk about it to someone.

‘I have a male friend who is in a casual relationship…’ Satoshi nods, encouragingly, so Changmin goes on: ‘with a man.’

Satoshi’s eyebrows go up and Changmin shifts uncomfortably. ‘Should I stop?’

‘No, that’s ok. Go on. Your friend?’

Changmin looks away. ‘It’s not that he is homosexual, it’s just sex.’

‘Well, having sex with a man does seem to relate to homosexuality.’

Changmin looks back to him, surprised, and frowns. ‘Well, maybe he just likes that person in particular.’

‘So it’s not only sex then.’

Changmin freezes, dumbfounded, realizing what he has just said. His face drains of color. Satoshi sighs.

‘It’s not a friend, is it?’

Changmin looks away and this is all the confirmation Satoshi needs.

‘It’s ok. I won’t tell a soul.’

‘It’s really just nice sex and it’s the only man I have ever been with. I have been with women though and it’s good. I like them.’

Satoshi is staring intently at him so Changmin meets his gaze. It’s warm, maybe from the alcohol, but also reassuring.

‘It has never crossed your mind to do it with someone else? Another man, I mean.’

And Changmin is not sure he is reading him right because he seems suddenly so close. His gaze is too intent on him. His thigh feels warm against his though he is pretty sure the couch is large enough for them not to be touching.

‘What do you mean?’

Satoshi’s hand rises to Changmin’s cheek, hovering near for a few seconds before it rests on it. Changmin can feel his pulse quicken.

‘You remind me of Momo sometimes.’

‘Because I fabric explosives?’

Satoshi laughs but his hand stays in place.

‘No, because you hide yourself so damn well and then sometimes there are some cracks. I feel like Kouda for a second, just wanting to protect you.’

He looks at Satoshi, wide-eyed, and then he leans against the warm hand on his cheek.

Perhaps it’s because of the beers, because he is frustrated and needs relief, or because he is curious, or he doesn’t want to think anymore. Because it’s not about liking someone or not. Because it’s just sex anyway.

Satoshi’s hand slides against his face and his fingertips traces Changmin’s lips. Changmin’s mouth opens slightly and the tip of his tongue presses against the pad of Satoshi’s fingers. This is enough for Satoshi to push Changmin down onto the couch and devours his lips.

He tastes like alcohol. It’s not unpleasant but it’s not what Changmin wants and he turns his head. Satoshi takes the hint and his mouth trails down his neck and Changmin can feel teeth against his skin but it’s too light of a touch and so he pushes his neck back against them.

Changmin closes his eyes and feels Satoshi’s hands under his shirt and this isn’t soft at all but it’s just what Changmin needs. He presses himself against Satoshi, his fingers digging into his back, urging him to get closer, and their hips are jerking against each other but Changmin needs more.

‘Just fuck me.’

Satoshi’s hips stops. He is probably surprised by Changmin’s bluntness but he is quick to be convinced by Changmin’s hips that haven’t stopped moving and the low please against his ear.

He stands up to let Changmin take his jeans and boxers off and scramble for his wallet, which is in on the coffee table, for a condom. Then he is sliding his trousers and underwear off but Changmin is already pulling him back on top of him so he just pulls them down to his knees before quickly putting the condom on, jerking himself a bit afterwards, but he is already hard enough. He lets Changmin grab him by his neck and pulls him down; Changmin’s legs wrapping themselves around him, urging him.

‘Isn’t this too quick… don’t you need to—’

Satoshi’s voice wavers but Changmin just shakes his head and pulls him with his legs while pushing his ass against Satoshi’s cock.

‘Just get on with it.’

Satoshi takes himself in his hand and lines up before he pushes inside. Changmin doesn’t let him take it slowly and pushes back against him. It burns and Satoshi is maybe a bit bigger than Jun so he has never felt this stretched before.

Satoshi tries to still, probably because it’s too tight and because Changmin’s forehead is all wrinkled and he is letting a moan that doesn’t quite hit the right note, but Changmin just moves his hips against him.

Satochi growls and his hips are quick to snap back against Changmin’s. His rhythm is fast but his thrusts are still long, reaching deep as Changmin meets him with force. Changmin still hasn’t relaxed enough though; it still burns a bit but the pain mixes with pleasure when Satoshi strokes against his prostate.

Satoshi is panting in his ear but it’s the friction of his cock against Satoshi’s stomach that brings him near the edge, and then Satoshi is biting Changmin’s neck and Changmin’s hands are under his shirt, his nails digging into the warm skin, as he climaxes between them.

His cock feels painfully sensitive as it rubs against Satoshi’s body but he still meets Satochi’s thrusts, clinging to his neck —because his waist is bigger than Jun’s and it’s weird—, his legs bringing him forward each time, until there is an especially deep thrust followed by shallow ones, and Satoshi shudders against him and lets himself fall on top of him.

Changmin feels like he is suffocating under the weight of it all and pushes against him. Satoshi rolls off him before he awkwardly gets up and searches for tissues. Changmin quickly stands up too and points to the kitchen. He feels exposed; he isn’t wearing anything from the waist down. He grabs his clothes from the floor and covers himself.

Satoshi comes out of the kitchen with kitchen paper in hand cleaning Changmin’s come from his stomach. His trousers are back up and closed. He looks back at Changmin inquiringly. Changmin fidgets.

‘I’m going to shower. Just…’

Satoshi nods.

‘Ok. I guess I’ll just go then.’

He stops in front of Changmin.

‘Tell your friend that he should quickly do something about those feelings and that I am there anytime he needs me.’

He drops a kiss on his cheek and leaves as Changmin stares dumbly at him. Changmin finally shakes himself and nearly runs into the bathroom. He enters the shower and turns it on. The water is lukewarm and he shivers, turning it hotter. It’s nearly scalding but his muscles loosen. It fails to drown his thoughts though.

Sleeping with Satoshi had felt good and exciting, like his first time with Jun except less awkward and more forceful. Yet it’s not the same and Changmin looks down, slightly bumping his head against the cold tiles. His tears drop to the floor, where they mingle with the water and run down the drain.

His skin is red when he steps out of the shower but his head has cleared and now he finally knows what he wants to do.

On to part 4.

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October 2012

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